I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
