Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
