I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
