cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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