my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
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Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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