and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
