You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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