my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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