You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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