I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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