the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
