Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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