Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
