The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
