About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
