I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
