dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize