In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
