Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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