i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
