You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
