it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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