Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
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I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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