Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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