I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
