I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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