Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
