He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
