what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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