i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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