Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
