I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
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She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"