I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...