hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.