drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
