the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
