Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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