People in love make me want to vomit
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
