I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
vagina is talking i cant
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
