So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
