went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
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I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize