The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
