my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
