Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
