he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
