FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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