and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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