I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
