I'm jealous of your bromance
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
