when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
