My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
