Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
