Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
