She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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