HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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