A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
