you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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