I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
