if you like me you must not know who I am
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
